While grace is saying after meat, do you and your brethren take the chairs from behind the company, so that when they go to sit again, they may fall backward, which will make them all merry; but be you so discreet as to hold your laughter till you get to the kitchen, and then divert your fellow servants. But that you, my brethren, may come to better fortunes, I shall here deliver my instructions, which have been the fruits of much thought and observation, as well as of seven years experience. Teoksessa käydään läpi vajaat parikymmentä palvelusammattia, joista tärkeimpiä ovat hovimestari, keittäjä, lakeija ja erilaiset kamarineidot ja -siivoojat. Note, that bottles missing are supposed to be half stolen by stragglers and other servants; and the other half broken by accident, and a general washing. Swift a rédigé ce texte inachevé à la fin de sa vie alors qu'il souffrait d'importantes pertes de la mémoire. If a gentleman leaves a snuffbox or picktoothcase on the table after dinner, and goes away, look upon it as part of your vails, for so it is allowed by servants, and you do no wrong to your master or lady. When you go to air your horses in the park, or the fields, give them to a horseboy, or one of the black-guards, who being lighter than you, may be trusted to run races with less damage to the horses, and teach them to leap over hedges and ditches, while you are drinking a friendly pot with your brother grooms: but sometimes you and they may run races yourselves, for the honour of your horses, and of your masters.
Series Title: Responsibility: Jonathan Swift. When you carry up a dish of meat, dip your fingers in the sauce, or lick it with your tongue, to try whether it be good, and fit for your Master's Table. When you leave your lady at church on Sundays, you have two hours safe to spend with your companions at the alehouse, or over a beef steak and a pot of beer at home with the cook, and the maids; and indeed poor servants have so few opportunities to be happy, that they ought not to lose any. These Opportunities must never be missed, because they come but sometimes; and you are always safe enough while there is a Servant in the House. First, to avoid burning daylight, and to save your master's candles, never bring them up till half an hour after it be dark, although they are called for ever so often. When you are going to be hired, and the gentleman asks you, Whether you are apt to be drunk; own freely that you love a cup of good ale; but that it is your way, drunk or sober, never to neglect your horses. Let it be a constant Rule, that no Chair, Stool or Table in the Servants Hall, or the Kitchen, shall have above three Legs, which hath been the ancient, and constant Practice in all the Families I ever knew, and is said to be founded upon two Reasons; first to show that Servants are ever in a tottering Condition; secondly, it was thought a Point of Humility, that the Servants Chairs and Tables should have at least one Leg fewer than those of their Masters.
This is highly to your Master's Honour; and may be some Shillings in your Pocket; and you are to consider, if your Master hath paid too much, he can better afford the Loss than a poor Tradesman. In long journeys, ask your master leave to give ale to the horses; carry two quarts full to the stable, pour half a pint into a bowl; and if they will not drink it, you and the ostler must do the best you can; perhaps they may be in a better humour at the next inn; for I would have you never fail to make the experiment. When you roast a breast of veal, remember your sweetheart the butler loves a sweetbread; therefore set it aside till evening: you can say, the cat or the dog has run away with it, or you found it tainted, or flyblown; and besides it looks as well at the table, without it as with it. Learn all the new-fashion words, and oaths, and songs, and scraps of plays that your memory can hold. When you are chid before Company, which with Submission to our Masters and Ladies is an unmannerly Practice it often happens that some Stranger will have the Good-nature to drop a Word in your Excuse; in such a Case, you will have a good Title to justify yourself, and may rightly conclude, that whenever he chides you afterwards on other Occasions, he may be in the wrong; in which Opinion you will be the more confirmed by stating the Case to your Fellow-servants in your own Way, who will certainly decide in your Favour: Therefore, as I have said before, whenever you are chidden, complain as if you were injured. When you invite the neighbouring Servants to junket with you at home in an Evening, teach them a peculiar way of tapping or scraping at the Kitchen Window, which you may hear, but not your Master or Lady, whom you must take Care not to disturb or frighten at such unseasonable Hours.
To give you full directions in this important affair would require a large volume. The spine may show signs of wear. If you find yourself to grow into Favour with your Master or Lady, take some Opportunity, in a very mild Way, to give them Warning, and when they ask the Reason, and seem loth to part with you, answer that you would rather live with them, than any Body else, but a poor Servant is not to be blamed if he strives to better himself; that Service is no Inheritance, that your Work is great, and your Wages very small: Upon which, if your Master hath any Generosity, he will add five or ten Shillings a Quarter rather than let you go: But, if you are baulked, and have no Mind to go off, get some Fellow-servant to tell your Master, that he had prevailed upon you to stay. It displays all his caustic skill as a satirist and his unerring eye for the little annoyances of life. It is not one of 's best known works in Britain, but have chosen to make this work their first Swiftian publication.
If your master has a large stock of glasses, and you or your fellow-servants happen to break any of them without your master's knowledge, keep it a secret till there are not enough left to serve the table, then tell your master that the glasses are gone; this will be but one vexation to him, which is much better than fretting once or twice a week; and it is the office of a good servant to discompose his master and his lady as seldom as he can; and here the cat and dog will be of great use to take the blame from you. This does credit to your master, for it shows good housekeeping, and the goldsmith may one day make you a present. The Cook, the Butler, the Groom, the Market-man, and every other Servant who is concerned in the Expenses of the Family, should act as if his Master's whole Estate ought to be applied to that Servant's particular Business. His servants are lazy, profligate, and acquisitive—always on the lookout for a shilling to be made on the sale of leftovers, or a half-bottle of wine to share with the cook. Whatever good bits you can pilfer in the day, save them to junket with your fellow-servants at night; and take in the butler, provided he will give you drink. Never clean your shoes on the scraper, but in, the entry, or at the foot of the stairs, by which you will have the credit of being at home almost a minute sooner, and the scraper will last longer.
Never let the candles burn too low, but give them as a lawful perquisite to your friend the cook, to increase her kitchenstuff; or if this be not allowed in your house, give them in charity to the poor neighbours, who often run on your errands. Give no person any liquor until he has called for it thrice at least, by which means, some, out of modesty, and others, out of forgetfulness, will call the seldomer, and thus your master's liquor be saved. When your master lies at a gentleman's house, if you find the hay and oats are good, complain aloud of their badness; this will get you the name of a diligent servant; and be sure to cram the horses with as much oats as they can eat, while you are there, and you may give them so much the less for some days at the inns, and turn the oats into ale. Go often to ; the fine fellows will soon discover you, and contrive to slip a letter into your sleeve or your bosom: pull it out in a fury, and throw it on the ground, unless you find at least two guineas along with it; but in that case, seem not to find it, and to think he was only playing the wag with you: when you come home, drop the letter carelessly in your lady's chamber; she finds it, is angry; protest you knew nothing of it, only you remember, that a gentleman in the Park struggled to kiss you, and you believe it was he that put the letter into your sleeve or petticoat; and indeed he was as pretty a man as ever you saw: that she may burn the letter if she pleases. To grow old in the office of a footman, is the highest of all indignities: therefore when you find years coming on without hopes of a place at court, a command in the army, a succession to the stewardship, an employment in the revenue, which two last you cannot obtain without reading and writing or running away with your master's niece or daughter; I directly advise you to go upon the road, which is the only post of honour left you: there you will meet many of your old comrades, and live a short life and a merry one, and make a figure at your exit, wherein I will give you some instructions. Snuff the candles with your fingers, and throw the snuff on the floor, then tread it out to prevent stinking: this method will very much save the snuffers from wearing out.
Strip your livery lace for garters. Some nice ladies who are afraid of catching cold, having observed that the maids and fellows below stairs often forget to shut the door after them, as they come in, or go out into the back yards, have contrived that a pulley and a rope, with a large piece of lead at the end, should be so fixed, as to make the door shut of itself, and require a strong hand to open it; which is an immense toil to servants, whose business may force them to go in and out fifty times in a morning: but ingenuity can do much, for prudent servants have found out an effectual remedy against this insupportable grievance, by tying up the pulley in such a manner, that the weight of the lead shall have no effect; however, as to my own part, I would rather choose to keep the door always open, by laying a heavy stone at the bottom of it. The RecluseYüth Forever Lyrics provided by SongLyrics. When your lady is ill, and after a very bad night is getting a little nap in the morning, if a footman comes with a message to inquire how she does, do not let the compliment be lost, but shake her gently until she wakes; then deliver the message, receive her answer, and leave her to sleep. Then he made me stick two inches of candle in the place where the socket was; after which I pretended to stumble, put out the candle, and broke all the tin part to pieces: at last, he was forced to make use of a lanternboy out of perfect good husbandry. But then this is the same man who advocated cannibalism to ease the burden of the Irish poor.
Never send up a leg of a fowl at supper, while there is a cat or a dog in the house, that can be accused for running away with it: but if there happen to be neither, you must lay it upon the rats, or a strange greyhound. If you are employed in marketting, buy your meat as cheap as you can; but when you bring in your accounts, be tender of your master's honour, and set down the highest rate; which besides is but justice; for nobody can afford to sell at the same rate that he buys, and I am confident that you may charge safely; swear that you gave no more than what the butcher and poulterer asked. His grateful master caused this monument to be erected in memory of his discretion, fidelity, and diligence, in that humble station. Write your own Name and your Sweet-heart's with the Smoke of a Candle on the Roof of the Kitchen, or the Servants Hall, to show your Learning. For example, if the groom be drunk, or absent, and the butler be ordered to shut the stable-door, the answer is ready, An' please your honour, I don't understand horses: if a corner of the hanging wants a single nail to fasten it, and the footman be directed to tack it up, he may say, he does not understand that sort of work, but his honour may send for the upholsterer. If your master has many musty, or very foul and crusted bottles, I advise you, in point of conscience, that those may be the first you truck at the next alehouse for ale or brandy.